If you have ever found yourself dating the same person in a different body, you are not alone. That frustrating feeling of thinking this time will be different, only to realize you are back in a familiar dynamic, is something many people quietly wrestle with.

To unpack why this happens and how to actually change it, we turned to Dr. Erin Pash, DBA, LMFT. Dr. Pash is an award winning mental health executive, licensed therapist, and our frequent go-to for all things relationships.

In this conversation, she explains the psychology behind repeated relationship patterns and what it really takes to choose differently. You can also read her previous insights in What to Do When Stress Is Creating Distance in Your Relationship According to a Therapist.

Why do so many people feel stuck attracting the same type of partner, even when they want something different? Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: you’re not just “attracting” these people. You’re choosing them. Your brain has a pattern recognition system that was programmed in childhood, running in the background like an app you forgot to close. It whispers, “Ooh, this one feels familiar,” and your body interprets familiar as safe, even when familiar is actually a dumpster fire.

This happens because of something called repetition compulsion. We unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror our earliest emotional experiences, not because they were good, but because they’re known. The brain prioritizes predictability over happiness. So you keep swiping right on the same energy wearing a different outfit, from the emotionally unavailable musician to the emotionally unavailable finance guy, and think you’ve evolved, but your nervous system knows the truth. Until you get curious about WHY that pattern feels like home, you’ll keep redecorating the same broken house.

What role do early relationships or childhood dynamics play in who we’re attracted to as adults? Massive. Your earliest relationships are your brain’s first draft of what love looks like. If love looked like chaos, criticism, or emotional unavailability growing up, your nervous system filed that under normal. So when you meet someone who gives you that same cocktail of anxiety and longing, your brain goes, “Ah yes, love. I recognize you.”

We develop what are called internal working models, mental blueprints for how relationships function. If a caregiver was inconsistent, you learned love requires hypervigilance. If a caregiver was critical, you internalized that love must be earned through performance. If a caregiver was emotionally absent, you learned that needing people leads to disappointment. These blueprints do not expire at eighteen. They follow you into every relationship until you consciously examine them. It is not that you’re broken. It is that your internal GPS was calibrated by people who maybe should not have been driving. The good news? You can recalibrate.

How do attachment styles influence the types of partners we attract and tolerate? Attachment styles are your relationship operating system, and most people have never checked which version they’re running. There are four primary styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, and each shapes not only who you’re drawn to but what you’ll tolerate.

If you’re anxiously attached, you’re drawn to avoidant partners like a moth to a very emotionally unavailable flame. Their distance activates your I must earn love programming. If you’re avoidant, you might pick partners who need a lot from you so you always have a reason to pull away. If you’re disorganized, you swing between craving closeness and panicking when you get it. The anxious avoidant pairing is the most common unhealthy dynamic I see in practice, and it’s remarkably stable, not because it works, but because each person’s behavior reinforces the other’s worst fears. The shift happens when you start choosing partners who make your nervous system go “huh, this is different” instead of “OH GOD, HERE WE GO AGAIN.”

Why do unhealthy dynamics often feel more attractive than healthier ones? Because unhealthy dynamics give you a neurochemical hit that healthy ones do not, at least not in the same way. When someone is hot and cold, your brain is on a slot machine. Intermittent reinforcement is the most addictive reward schedule that exists. That emotional whiplash creates a surge of dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline that your brain interprets as passion.

There is also a trauma bonding component. When periods of stress are followed by relief or affection, it creates an intensely strong attachment. The reconciliation feels euphoric precisely because the conflict was painful. Meanwhile, the person who texts you back consistently? Your brain registers that as meh because there is no neurochemical roller coaster. We have confused anxiety for attraction, and it is the biggest scam in modern dating. Chaos is not chemistry.

Why can healthier relationships sometimes feel boring at first to people used to emotional highs and lows? Your nervous system is basically a retired adrenaline junkie. When you have been riding the emotional roller coaster for years, a calm relationship feels like sitting in a parked car. Neurologically, your baseline for arousal has been set artificially high by chronic relationship stress. When cortisol drops to where it should be, it feels flat, similar to how someone in a loud environment perceives normal volume as silence.

There is also an identity component. If you have built your sense of self around being the one who loves hard, fights for love, or handles difficult people, a calm relationship can feel like an identity crisis. Here is what I tell my clients: that boring feeling is actually peace. You just do not recognize it yet. Give your nervous system three to six months to recalibrate. Let your body learn that love does not have to hurt to be real.

How can someone tell if they are truly emotionally available? Most people think they are more available than they actually are. Some honest benchmarks: Can you make genuine space in your life for another person, not just in theory, but in practice? Can you sit with someone else’s emotions without trying to fix, flee, or freeze? Are you actually over your ex, or just over them while still checking their Instagram at midnight? Can you tolerate being truly seen, including the messy parts?

Signs you might not be as available as you think: you are only attracted to unavailable people. You fill your schedule so completely there is no room for someone to fit. You lead with your representative rather than letting someone see the real you. You say you want commitment but feel panicky when it is offered. If you are constantly attracted to unavailable people, that is usually a mirror, not a coincidence. Emotional availability is not a switch you flip. It is a daily practice of staying open when every part of you wants to self protect.

What specific dating behaviors tend to reinforce old patterns? I see these on repeat. Moving too fast because intensity feels like connection, when speed actually bypasses your discernment. Ignoring red flags because they have potential, which is code for I am projecting the person I want them to be onto the person they are showing me they are. Over functioning, meaning you are doing 85 percent of the emotional labor and calling it love.

Choosing people based on chemistry alone while ignoring compatibility. Chemistry tells you there is a spark, compatibility tells you there is a future. You need both. Keeping someone around because you are afraid of being alone. Making excuses for behavior you would never tolerate from a friend, which is a great litmus test, by the way. And my personal favorite: the this time it is different mantra while doing absolutely nothing differently. Same picker, same patterns, shinier package.

What practical steps actually lead to different relationship outcomes? Get radically honest about your patterns. Look at your last three to five relationships and find the common thread, because there is one, and it is you. Not in a self blaming way, but in an empowered way. You are the variable you can change.

Slow down. Speed is the enemy of discernment. Give yourself a minimum of three months before making big relationship decisions. Get curious about what boring feels like and challenge yourself to go on at least five dates with someone who feels nice but not exciting before writing them off. Build a life you actually love being single in, because desperation is the worst dating strategy ever invented. When you are fulfilled on your own, you choose partners from desire instead of need, and those are fundamentally different relationships.

Learn your attachment style and study it like your emotional life depends on it, because it does. And get professional support, therapy, journaling, honest conversations with people who love you enough to tell you the truth. The goal is not finding the perfect person. It is becoming someone who can recognize a good thing when it shows up and not run from it.

What’s the most common mistake people make when trying to change who they attract? They make a new checklist without doing any internal work. They go from I want someone exciting to I want someone stable and think that is the whole job. But if you have not addressed WHY you were drawn to chaos, you will either pick the same person in different packaging or self sabotage the good thing because it does not feel right.

The second most common mistake is thinking awareness alone is enough. Insight without behavioral change is just interesting information. You have to practice choosing differently in real time, when your nervous system is screaming at you to go back to what is familiar. Changing your type without changing yourself is like putting a new address in the GPS but never leaving the driveway. The checklist is the easy part. The mirror is where the real work happens.

What advice do you find yourself giving over and over again to clients stuck in this cycle? Stop asking Why does this keep happening to me? and start asking Why do I keep participating in this? That reframe changes everything because it gives you your power back. You are not a magnet helplessly pulling in terrible partners. You are a whole human making choices, sometimes unconscious ones, but choices nonetheless.

Pay attention to how someone makes you feel in your body, not just in your head. If your stomach is in knots and you cannot eat and you are calling that butterflies, we need to talk. Real connection should make your nervous system feel regulated, not activated. Learn the difference between excitement and anxiety. They live in similar neighborhoods in your body, but they are not the same thing.

And finally, everybody sucks sometimes. You, me, the person you are dating. The goal is not perfection. It is finding someone whose imperfections you can work with, who is willing to grow alongside you, and who makes your nervous system feel like it can finally exhale. That is the real thing. And you deserve it.