Why We Date at the Level of Our Self-Esteem

We date at the level of our self-esteem. Your relationship is a direct reflection of your own self-love and self-worth.

A lot of TDL Seekers have written in saying that they are in a relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) with someone who they really are into, but in which they are not getting their needs met. They keep asking me how they have to change to keep the relationship going.


Let me be clear – the only way we should have to change is to be more authentically ourselves. This means compromise, of course, but this also means not abandoning ourselves to please another.

The common question seems to be: “How can I change myself so this will work?”

The response is: “Don’t change yourself – BE YOURSELF.”

Many Seekers are terrified of being alone and of the unknown. And I understand – it can be hella uncomfortable in there. But if your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, it’s not the other person’s fault. The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you.

If you don’t love, honor and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs won’t get met.

To be a Seeker, we must get comfortable with the unknown and with letting go of toxic relationships. We must step into the Faith that we can create the life we truly desire, not as we change to please others, but as we step more into our own authentic selves. This means communicating our needs, having higher standards around the people we are dating and stepping into our own self-love and self-care.

Of course, in any relationship we have to compromise and find a middle ground. This is part of being in relationship. But this blog is aimed at the thousands of folks who have written in asking how they can change to please other people. Please yourself first and then you will attract someone who is pleased with you. This means embracing the unknown and being okay with letting go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

Ask yourself this question: “If I REALLY loved myself, what would I do?”

Let me know: WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com

Lots of love and self-love,


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  1. Yes, this is SO true. I unfortunately sold out twice and am now in my 60’s and
    very depressed and miseable/unhealthy mentally and physically and not capable of
    working to take care of myself. I did SELL OUT as was mentioned in this article. I
    hope that the youth of today take your advice to heart and get in touch with who they are and embrace their unique being and not be a co-dependent that thinks by being in “any relationship” just to have someone around is better than none. I know now that is not true and wish I had made MYSELF the most important person in my life and done what I was meant to do and didn’t do. Good Advice definitely.

    Nini | 03.02.2012 | Reply
  2. This is one of my absolute favorite books. It is a collection of 100 poems (“sonnets”) Pablo Neruda wrote for his “true love Matilde”. My reason for posting is …..I want to share the dedication with you ((you who are reading this) Nini, above). I cry (with joy and sadness in equal boundlessness) whenever I read this (sonnet below), without fail. To me it represents all the hope that I believe must be the world’s burden. This book is all-encompassing: he writes about her beauty in the daylight & in the twilight, her laughter, her obstinacy, her tendency to transform into an ugly being he doesn’t and doesn’t want to know, his frustrations, his resentments, his revelry, his prize, his submission, the inevitability of succumbing to everything she represents, his humility in acquiescence. He knows there is no other reality for him. It is a true confessional, because love isn’t “always rainbows and butterflies” and he doesn’t make any pretense about it. There are realities to it as there are bound to be. No one person is the picture of perfection, but one person can hold you captive and when that person finds you all you can do is surrender. Such captivity should be a journey sincerely and joyfully taken. We should all have the same faith this poet unabashedly embraced. If we’re lucky, we too can navigate through this similar adventure with unequaled felicity. Life is short. Carpe Amor! If you seize this kind of love with candor, love will not fail you. I WISH you all the best, Nini.

    “latitudes sprinkled with ashes, you and I have picked up pieces of pure bark, pieces of wood subject the coming and goings of water and the weather. Out of such softened relics, then , with hathchet then machete and pocket knife, I built up these lumber piles of love, and with fourteen boards each I built little houses, so that your eyes, which I adore and sing to, might live in them. Now that I have declared the foundations of love, I surrender this century to you: wooden sonnets that rise only because you save them life.”

    October 1959
    Cien Sonetos de Amor
    Pablo Neruda

    Jodie | 02.11.2013 | Reply

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