You think you’re just going grocery shopping. But we both know you’re not. You’re shopping on the sly for supplements, essential oils and other things you never knew you needed ’til you lined up at the smoothie bar.
Here’s what all too frequently happens to us as we shop for the “basics” at Whole Foods on any given Friday afternoon.We’re just shopping for…
We’re just shopping for the basics
…OR ECO-FRIENDLY FOUNDATION. We thought this was the soap aisle. Suddenly, we’re swatching eco-friendly foundations like nobody’s business and revamping our entire beauty protocol. Checker, which aisle has the best natural light?
…OR 4 POUNDS OF WE’RE-NOT- SURE-WHAT FROM THE SALAD BAR. We frequently refer to the Whole Foods salad bar as our ‘sous chef’. At night, we use it to fill in the blanks on dinner recipes, but by day our salad bar-palooza experience gets a little out of hand. Yes, there is salad involved, but things usually spiral out of control with piles of grains, marinated veggies, polenta, vegan entree items and possibly cake. All mixed into one weird, but glorious (4 pound) box.
nuts and seeds
…OR CHOCOLATE COVERED HEMP. We’ll just quickly pick up some almonds and… dear lord, are those gold-dipped goji berries? We need those and the chocolate-covered hemp hearts, the freeze-dried champagne grapes – plus the limited edition superfood blend bag where they’re all mixed together.
Rice and beans
…OR CHOCOLATE HUMMUS. We needed some basic vegan protein and, now, we’ve found God’s gift to vegans everywhere. Could be gross. Could be great! We’re definitely buying two and finding out. Can we dip gluten-free cookies in this?
…OR CHAKRA BALANCING OILS. We’ll get to the paper goods, but isn’t it important to keep our third eye open? What happens if we test the essential oil display for every chakra at once? Will we be reborn? Will we be kicked out of this department?
Nut butter and jelly
…OR EARLY GREY PRESERVES and raw, handmade tahini. PB&J just got real. Note to self: host a cocktail party this summer. Will likely not actually open these condiments ’til then.
…OR RAW FRUIT WRAPS. Tortillas are so 2015. We’re committed to over-spending on these weird, delicious, raw dehydrated wraps that come in flavors like Chia Raw Berri. That’s not normal. Even to us. Buying every flavor.
bottle of wine
…OR A SUPPLEMENT PACK FOR OUR LIVER. This is what happens when we linger too long in the wine aisle with full view of the supplement section and a friendly-faced employee. Now we’ve got chardonnay, and three bottles of liver support and detox supplements we’re knocking back stat.
…OR ORGANIC AVOCADOS HAND-PICKED BY MONKS. We just need a few simple produce items, right? No. Wrong. We need ’em certified. And we need them hand-picked. By monks. Why else would they be so prominently displayed? Duh.
…OR AN OMAKASE PLATTER. We don’t know how to predict our own behavior. Needed some dry goods, now we’ve got four boxes of nigiri and sashimi and we’re pretty sure we’re not cooking tonight at all.