Why does making friends as an adult feel so awkward? Between work, relationships, and just trying to keep life together, finding and maintaining meaningful friendships can feel like one more thing on the to-do list. But according to Erin Pash, MA, LMFT—a licensed therapist, Founder, and former CEO of Ellie Mental Health for over a decade—friendships aren’t just nice to have; they’re essential for our well-being.
The good news? Building real connections doesn’t have to be complicated. With years of experience turning mental health insights into real-world strategies, Pash shares practical, no-BS advice on making friends, keeping them, and creating the kind of relationships that actually last.
The Therapist’s Guide to Adult Friendships
What fundamental emotional needs do friendships fulfill that other relationships—like romantic or familial—might not? Friendships fulfill unique emotional needs through their voluntary nature. Friends provide space to explore identity without the expectations that come with family roles or romantic relationships. The diverse perspectives friends offer expand our worldview beyond family circles. Friends often provide specialized support for specific challenges that family or partners may not fully understand. Friendships create an emotional safety zone with slightly lower stakes than essential relationships, allowing for authentic expression with less vulnerability. These friendship-specific benefits complement romantic and familial relationships to create a balanced emotional support system.
How does our attachment style—whether secure, anxious, or avoidant—impact the way we form and maintain friendships as adults? Attachment styles significantly shape our adult friendships. Those with secure attachment typically form balanced friendships with healthy boundaries, express needs directly, recover well from conflicts, and maintain consistent connections without dependency. People with anxious attachment often seek frequent reassurance, worry about abandonment, potentially overwhelm friends with emotional intensity, struggle with boundaries, and remain highly sensitive to perceived rejection. Those with avoidant attachment tend to maintain emotional distance, have difficulty sharing vulnerabilities, prioritize self-sufficiency, withdraw during emotional closeness, create “walls” through limited availability, and may sabotage intimate connections. These patterns aren’t permanent—awareness, intentional effort, therapy, self-reflection, and relationships with securely attached individuals can help shift attachment behaviors toward greater security, ultimately improving friendship quality over time.
What are some simple, low-stakes ways to introduce yourself or strike up conversations that lead to meaningful friendships? Comment on shared experiences in the moment—whether it’s the long coffee line, an interesting event you’re both attending, or a reaction to something happening around you. This creates natural common ground without pressure.
Ask open-ended questions about things you notice about the person, like “That’s an interesting book, what drew you to it?” or “I noticed your camera—do you do photography as a hobby?” These questions show genuine curiosity while giving them space to share as much as they’re comfortable with.
Make a lighthearted observation or joke about a shared situation, gauging their response to see if your humor styles align, which is often a strong foundation for friendship.
What’s a simple but effective way to extend an invitation—whether it’s for coffee, an event, or a shared activity—without it feeling forced? Use a part of a conversation and find a common meeting place. Where you just eating thai food at the office, invite a coworker to try a new thai place. Did you talk at a baseball game with another Mom about your favorite adult beverage and love of old tv shows? Ask them to a 90’s sitcom trivia night at a microbrewery. Or start even smaller. Order the thai in for lunch next week at the office, plan to sit next to the same mom at the next baseball game. Let it build organically with a little added boost of intentionality.
How can people maintain long-distance friendships and ensure they stay strong over time? The best way to do this is by both setting expectations and nurturing the friendship. If one friend feels the other isn’t doing their part they may feel animosity exists so talking about the expectations in the friendship is essential to reduce any concerns. Once expectations are set, nurturing the friendship is important. Even if you only see eachother once every year, making that time to plan something, and finding ways to engage in meaningful ways is essential to supporting the other person and maintaining longevity and closeness even with great distance.
Are there key behaviors or conversation techniques that help accelerate deeper bonding in friendships? Being authentic. People often lead with anxiety related because they fear being rejected,so instead of just being themselves they act the way they think people want them to. To forge real deep bonds you have to connect through common experiences and real feelings. So say what’s on your mind, and be unapologetic about being yourself. Remember that rejection is just as important of a tool for you as it is for the person rejecting you. You don’t want to waste your energy on “not your people” and it’s best to know this from the beginning.
What are some overlooked places or situations where people can form genuine friendships, beyond the obvious workplace or hobby groups?
+ Waiting in recurring lines – Whether it’s daily coffee queues, weekly farmers markets, or monthly community events, seeing the same faces regularly creates natural openings for conversation.
+ Public transportation commutes – Regular bus/train routes often have the same passengers. A simple “Is this seat taken?” can lead to meaningful connections over time.
+ Dog parks – Not just for the pets; regular visitors form their own social circles as their dogs play together.
+ Parent pickup zones – Schools, dance classes, sports practices where parents wait create natural communities with shared experiences.
+ Community gardens – Working alongside others nurturing plants creates natural conversation and relationship growth.
+ Neighborhood walking routes – Taking the same path regularly leads to familiar faces and eventual friendships.
+ Volunteering for mundane tasks – Setting up chairs for events or helping with registration often allows for more genuine connections than high-profile volunteer roles.
+ Apartment building common areas – Shared laundry rooms, mail areas, and elevators create regular touchpoints for conversation.
+ Online communities focused on hyperlocal interests – Neighborhood-specific groups often transition to real-life friendships more naturally than broader interest groups.
In your experience, what are the most common reasons friendships fade, and how can people prevent this from happening? Friendships commonly fade due to time constraints, as busy schedules push friendship maintenance to lower priority, requiring deliberate scheduling of regular check-ins and realistic expectations about availability. Physical proximity plays a crucial role, as geographic distance eliminates spontaneous interactions, necessitating consistent virtual connections and planned visits to bridge the gap. Life changes create diverging paths that complicate friendships, with transitions like marriage, parenthood, or career shifts creating experiential gaps between friends, making it essential to acknowledge these transitions directly and adapt connection styles accordingly. Maintaining meaningful friendships through these challenges demands mutual investment and the flexibility to evolve the friendship’s form while preserving its core connection.
Are there certain friendships that are meant to last only for specific seasons of life? How can people accept and appreciate transient friendships without feeling loss or failure? We actually have many of these relationships throughout our lives without realizing it. As children, we often develop close attachments to babysitters and teachers, yet when the year ends, so does that relationship—and we adapt quite well. This pattern continues into adulthood. It’s said that every seven years, every cell in the human body is replaced by new ones, metaphorically making us new people. Accepting that both you and those around you grow and change means that cherishing relationships while they last can be just as meaningful as lifelong friendships. Seasons have a way of repeating themselves, so these “seasonal friends” might eventually return to your life. Never completely close the door on transient friendships—it’s rarely a permanent goodbye, but rather a “see you later.”
In a time when friendships are often maintained via text and social media, how can people create depth in their connections rather than settling for surface-level digital interactions? In a digital age where friendships often exist through texts and social media, creating genuine depth requires placing emotions at the center of connection. Sharing authentic feelings—whether excitement, vulnerability, or gratitude—invites reciprocal emotional openness that builds intimacy beyond surface-level updates. Using humor tailored to your shared history creates emotional resonance that generic interactions cannot, while compassionate responses that acknowledge emotional undertones communicate genuine presence. Referencing specific details about friends’ lives demonstrates you’re holding space for them even when physically apart. This emotional attentiveness—asking follow-up questions about previously mentioned topics or connecting new experiences to their known preferences—proves you’re carrying them with you between interactions. Creating depth also means occasionally moving beyond digital platforms through video calls, voice messages, or in-person meetings that allow for the spontaneous emotional exchanges that text often filters out. The most meaningful connections combine digital convenience with emotional authenticity, using technology as a tool for genuine engagement rather than letting it define relationship boundaries.
Erin Pash is a pioneering mental health thought leader who translates complex psychological concepts into actionable insights that bridge clinical practice with everyday wellbeing. As a licensed therapist, author, and speaker, she advocates for progressive approaches to mental healthcare that emphasize accessibility, destigmatization, and whole-person wellness. Her expertise in therapeutic innovation is demonstrated through her decade-long leadership of Ellie Mental Health, which she built from concept to a nationwide network spanning 265 locations across 40 states. Pash’s unique blend of clinical knowledge and organizational vision has established her as an influential voice reshaping America’s approach to behavioral healthcare.
