The holidays have a funny way of turning even the most grounded among us into emotional economists. One minute you are just “picking up a few things,” and the next you are calculating love in receipts and justifying it as festive generosity. Between family expectations, endless group chats, and social media feeds that make everyone else’s season look flawlessly wrapped, it is easy to lose sight of what we are really spending for.

According to  Erin Pash, MA, LMFT, a licensed therapist, Founder, and former CEO of Ellie Mental Health, it is rarely about the gifts themselves. It is about what we are trying to express, prove, or avoid feeling. In this refreshingly honest conversation, Erin unpacks the emotional side of holiday spending and offers smart, practical ways to stay grounded, generous, and actually present this season without the financial hangover come post-holiday season.

The holidays are often called “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many, they bring anxiety around spending. From a therapist’s perspective, what’s really happening emotionally when people start to overspend during the holidays? Holiday overspending is rarely about the gifts—it’s about what we’re trying to express, prove, or avoid feeling. People often try to demonstrate love in tangible ways, compensate for perceived shortcomings like not being present enough, or create a “perfect” holiday that erases difficult childhood memories. The compressed timeline creates urgency and panic, which activates our stress response. When stressed, we make impulsive decisions we wouldn’t normally make. Add in cultural messaging that spending equals caring, and you have a perfect storm for emotion-driven financial decisions.

How much of our relationship with money and gift-giving is shaped by childhood experiences or family patterns? Enormously. If you grew up with financial instability, you might overspend to prove you’ve “made it” or ensure your children never feel the lack you experienced. If gifts were how love was expressed in your family rather than through words or time, you might equate your worth with how much you spend.

Family scripts are incredibly powerful: “We always go all out for Christmas” or “Money doesn’t matter when it comes to family.” These messages, absorbed in childhood, can override our adult logic and financial reality. We’re not just buying gifts—we’re trying to recreate magic, avoid past pain, or prove we’re different from our parents.

We all know that “feel-good rush” after buying a gift. What’s happening emotionally when spending feels like stress relief? When we buy something, our brain releases dopamine. For a moment, we feel productive, generous, and in control. We’ve “solved” something. But that relief is temporary and often creates a rebound effect.

Spending as stress relief is avoidance coping—we’re not addressing the underlying stress (relationship tension, grief, loneliness), we’re just temporarily distracting ourselves from it. The stress returns, often with added financial anxiety, which can lead to more stress-spending. It’s similar to emotional eating—the behavior provides short-term comfort but doesn’t resolve what’s actually wrong and often makes us feel worse.

What are the most common emotional triggers that lead people to overspend during the holidays and how can they recognize them early? The most common triggers are:

Guilt and compensation: “I work too much, so I need to make up for it with gifts.” Warning sign: using “should” a lot or feeling you need to prove something.

Comparison and inadequacy: Feeling you don’t measure up to others on social media or in your family. Warning sign: shopping while scrolling Instagram.

Childhood wounds: Trying to give your kids the Christmas you never had. Warning sign: feeling intense emotion while shopping.

People-pleasing: Using gifts to keep the peace or avoid being seen as cheap. Warning sign: anxiety about others’ reactions overriding your financial comfort.

Loneliness: Shopping to feel connected to the season or fill an emotional void. Warning sign: shopping when you’re feeling isolated.

To recognize these early, pause before purchases and ask: “What am I really trying to accomplish? What feeling am I trying to create or avoid?”

If someone notices they’re shopping to soothe stress or loneliness, what’s one healthier action they can take instead? First, name what you’re actually feeling: “I’m lonely,” “I’m anxious about seeing my family,” “I’m sad this is our first holiday after the divorce.” Just acknowledging the emotion can reduce its intensity.

Then choose one action that actually addresses that feeling:

– If lonely: Reach out to someone. Connection is what you’re craving; purchases can’t provide that.

–  If stressed: Do something that genuinely calms you—walk outside, stretch, listen to music. These actually reduce stress hormones.

– If feeling inadequate: Write down three things you’ve done well this year that had nothing to do with spending.

– If avoiding difficult emotions: Set a timer for ten minutes and let yourself actually feel what you’re avoiding.

Don’t just stop shopping—replace it with something that meets the actual need.

For those feeling pressured by family expectations or social media comparisons, what’s a realistic way to stay grounded? Get clear on your own values. Ask yourself: “If no one would know or judge my choices, what would I actually want the holidays to look like?” That’s your north star.

For family pressure, try: “We’re doing things differently this year, and it feels right for us.” You don’t owe anyone a financial explanation.

For social media, remember you’re seeing curated moments, not reality. That perfect photo doesn’t show the credit card bill or the stress behind the smile. Consider a social media break during the holidays, or notice when you’re comparing and deliberately close the app.

Create your own definition of success—maybe it’s one meaningful conversation with each family member or staying within budget while still feeling generous. Find one person who shares your values and check in with them regularly.

If someone already feels they’ve gone overboard, what’s the best emotional reset they can do to release guilt and refocus?

Drop the shame spiral. Beating yourself up doesn’t change what’s spent, and shame makes it harder to make good decisions going forward.

If someone already feels they’ve gone overboard, what’s the best emotional reset they can do to release guilt and refocus? Try this reset:

Acknowledge without judgment: “I spent more than I intended. I’m human, and I was trying to do something positive.”

Honor your intention: You were trying to show love or create joy. That matters, even if you lost sight of your limits.

Separate spending from your worth: Overspending doesn’t make you a failure. It means you care deeply and got caught up. That’s fixable.

Make one concrete next step: Look at what you bought and ask what truly aligns with your values. It’s okay to return things or have honest conversations about simplifying.

Focus forward: Ask, “What do I want the rest of this season to feel like?” Then make small decisions that align with that.

Practice self-compassion: Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a good friend. You’d probably say, “The holidays are hard. You’re figuring it out.”

Every moment is a chance to refocus. The best time to start is now—not January 1st, not next year, but right now.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​