dealing toxic relationships

Let it go. As we get older, we leave less room for unhealthy, toxic relationships — we ain’t got time or energy to waste — but that doesn’t make breaking away from a relationship that isn’t working any easier. Whether it’s a bad friend, a broken heart, an energy vampire family member or zen-zapping boss, it’s important not to get entangled in someone else’s toxic energy.

When spending less time with someone isn’t enough to disconnect from their toxic influence, this slightly woo-woo meditation practice, excerpted from energy healer Denise Linn’s new book Energy Strands, provides an interesting perspective. Check out this in-depth visualization that just might just be the thing to help you set the boundaries you need to feel safe, strong and free…

Gerald encounters anyone who is angry, he harshly judges them. He hasn’t owned his own anger, so he projects his criticism of himself onto others with the same condition. Gerald thus thrusts a strand of energy into each person he disapproves of. As long as he judges himself, he can’t help it. In other words, he becomes hooked into and corded to the energetic fields of a number of angry people. Consequently, his energy centers are clogged with anger—both his and others.

Understanding the source of your negative strands is immensely valuable. The great thing is that, as you unweave your own issues, the people who were attracted or corded to the dysfunctional parts of you will start dropping away.

Lead With The Right Mindset
They are not demon spawn (necessarily). Please don’t make the mistake of feeling that the person you want to cut away is a monster and you are an innocent victim. This kind of strong judgment creates all kinds of energy strands of its own and can gum up the works in your auric field. (Remember: they wouldn’t be able to cord to you if there wasn’t anything to attach to.) I know there are times when it can feel like they really are demon spawn. I also know—from personal experience—that it can be very difficult to let go of angst when you are around someone who is cruel, unfair, or unkind. However, in the end, this kind of emotion can damage you and also makes it almost impossible to clear their energy out of your energy field.

If you have been truly wronged by another, the best revenge is to clear them completely out of your energy field forever. And to do this, you need to let go. You need to surrender your judgment and the need to be right about them. It’s one of the most difficult things a human being can do, yet it brings great rewards. You will feel lighter and more at peace with yourself and with the world.

It’s important to know that cutting cords won’t necessarily change someone; if they were a jerk before, they will probably be a jerk afterward. Cutting the cord just means that they aren’t entangled in your energy, and thus they aren’t creating problems for you.

Sometimes the person with whom you have cut the cord will suddenly call you, right after you release the connection, wanting to reconnect. On an energetic level, they felt the disconnection and want to reel you back into their life. If this is a past dysfunctional relationship, this call doesn’t necessarily mean they want you back in their life; it might mean they want to continue to pull energy from you or even control you. If a person you have just released tries to get back into your life, it’s best to simply wish them love and ignore their calls.

You Don’t Always Need to Cut A Cord

Before you diminish any cords, see if there is something you can do physically to stop the depletion of your energy. Sometimes you don’t actually have to cut the cords; just simply shifting a few things can make a huge difference. For example, if there is a relative that you constantly feel drained around, sometimes by simply spending less time with them can help weaken the cord connection. Or if you have strand attachments to objects in your home that have negative associations, some clutter clearing can move them out of your energy field.

It may seem simpler just to do a strand cutting ceremony; however, some objects in your home have such strong associations that the cords may form again. Sometimes it’s better to simply move the object out of your home and your life. You can do this with relationships as well; spend less time with people who diminish your energy, and you may not need to do any cord clearing.

Become Centered + Focused Before Any Cutting

Before any cord cutting, it’s valuable to be able to hone your energy. This will make your ceremony more powerful. To do this, begin by entering into a meditative state. If your mind begins to wander, gently but firmly bring it back. It helps to have a visual image to focus on, or a mantra to say, in order to keep your mind focused. For example, you might imagine a rose. Visualize every soft curve of its petals. Imagine its fragrance. Notice where the stem attaches to the flower. Be so attuned to the rose that everything else just drops away. When you can maintain this discipline for 20 minutes of a calm, dedicated, meditative state, then you can be successful at releasing the cords that bind you.

Some of these cord-cutting methods incorporate visualization. Don’t be concerned if you aren’t able to visualize immediately. It is your intent that creates results. Hold a clear, focused intent, and you’ll be able to clear cords just as effectively as if you were visualizing.

Sometimes people tell me that they think cutting cords or shielding can’t really work if it’s just visualization. Actually, visualization can be one of the most powerful methods. When my daughter, Meadow, was about three and a half years old, an acquaintance named Ruth had come into our home, and I could feel my energy tanking as we talked. To stop the energy depletion, I visualized a beautiful pink rose between Ruth and me. I wanted to mitigate the disturbing energy that was flowing between us, and it made a huge difference. Instantly, my energy started to recover. Just at that time, Meadow toddled out into the living room, pointed at the space between Ruth and me, and said, “Mommy, Mommy! Look at the rose! Pretty!” She “saw” the rose that I had visualized. It was a powerful affirmation of the potency of visualization. Your visualization indeed has weight and measure.

As a note, just because you release cords with someone doesn’t mean that you can’t have a wonderful relationship with them. Often it improves a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care or that you don’t want to be friends with that person. It just means that any damaging or depleting cords are dissolved. It frees you to have more energy and vitality. It also allows you to set clear boundaries. Your emotions will be your emotions. Your thoughts will be your thoughts. The opposite of fear is love, and dysfunctional strands usually come out of fear. Release the fear, step into love, and any negative cords will just drop away.

The  Cord Clearing Method

There are a number of potent methods to release cords and strands that aren’t healthy for you. Whether you do this method in a physical or nonphysical way, it needs to be done with compassion and a powerful intent. If you are upset or angry while you do it, you might be able to cut the cord, but your anger will cleave the person’s energy toward you and the cord will reattach. I know this isn’t easy. Obviously,  if you are cutting a cord, it’s because it is causing imbalances in your life. Or it’s because you are distressed by someone. However, the more you can detach and become the “sacred observer” with the understanding that there was a reason for attachment—and on some level, you gained value from it—the easier it will be to dismantle it.

Cleanse yourself. Take a shower, scrub with salt, and then have a cold rinse. (This refreshes your auric field.) You can also take a saltwater bath, with a cold rinse. Wear light-colored clean clothes. (Light colors reflect and dark colors absorb; you want the unhealthy attachment deflected, rather than absorbed.)

Drink plenty of water. It’s important to be hydrated for this type of ceremony. Energized water is best. To energize water, either hold your hand over it and bless it or leave it out in the sun (or under the moon and stars) for at least five hours with the intent of the heavenly forces energizing it.

Write it down. Be clear on exactly who and/or what you will release. Sometimes it helps to write down exactly what you desire and place it on your personal altar. If you don’t have an altar, light a candle and place the list under the candle.

Sit in a comfortable location. Close your eyes and relax. It’s worthwhile to have some ambient music in the background. Music can allow you to go deeper faster. Take a few very deep, full breaths. With each inhalation, imagine that shimmering, fresh energy is filling you, and all that is not needed is being released with every exhalation.

Call upon guides. Call upon your spiritual guides, angels, and ancestors to offer support and guidance. Ask, with gratitude, that they help you release what is not needed, for the highest good of all.

Visualize. Once you feel relaxed, imagine that you are atop a high grassy hill. In the far distance, you might see snowcapped mountains or a luminous seashore. Spend time getting a sense of this lofty vantage point. Imagine that the high grasses are slowly waving in a gentle breeze. See white fluffy clouds overhead. Take a moment to feel strong and grounded. There is a meandering pathway that leads to the top of the hill. Anyone or anything that has attachments to you can come up the pathway to you, as you desire.

Cut and release. You notice that in your hands you have large sharp shears, scissors, or a knife. It feels holy. As the first person, you desire to cut cords with appears on the path, imagine that they are standing in front of you. Look at the strands that connect you. If they are brightly colored and vibrant, you may consider leaving them. If you see any that look dark and dull or shriveled, take your shears (or scissors or knife) and cut that cord. If your knife begins to feel dull, hold it above your head to be sharpened by the light of the sun. Sometimes you’ll cut a cord and it seems to come back. Just keep cutting again and again, or even pull it out. Eventually, it will stay severed.

Affirm. When you make your verbal declaration, you should feel an immediate lightening of your energy field. As you cut, with a clear intent say, “What is mine is mine. What is yours is yours.” Or you can say:

“I, (state your name), hereby release and sever all cords to you that do not serve and support our highest good.”
“As I cut the ties to you, I honor my space . . . and  I honor your space. We each stand free in our own light. I am free. You are free.”
“Only that which is beneficial and empowering remains.”

Offer gratitude. Thank the person (or object or situation) for being in your life, then send them sincere blessings for their own journey. This is an important part of the process. It completes the cycle and makes it easier for you to go forward in your life without the attachment.

This excerpt has been reprinted with permission from Energy Strands by Denise Linn.

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